Unforgivable.
~3 years old.
Mommy told me that I was going to be okay as she packed all my toys, though there were only a few strewn on the floor. She packed all my best clothes and threw out my old and tattered ones, thinking I wouldn't need them anymore. I pleaded and pleaded to her that she let me stay with her. She said she would miss me, but we couldn't help but cry. She told me to be a strong little boy and zipped up the suitcase. She left me alone in my room, to think to myself how short my life had been with her. I went into my small closet and grabbed the worn out baby blanket that still had little blue teddy bears all over it. The moment I left my house, I gave it a wave goodbye and wondered what my daddy was like. Mommy said that he was really nice and would spoil me and give me what I wanted. She said my life would be better off without her. I prayed she was right.
~8 years old.
Daddy came home today, all stumbly and his words were slurred. I was sitting on the couch playing with my kitty, Boots, when he came over and told me I was not good enough to be his son. I told him that I was good enough. He didn't believe me. My kitty hissed and ran away just as daddy slapped me. My red hot face stung as the tears leaked from my eyes. He put me over his shoulders, almost dropping me, not very gently and threw me into the closet, locking the door. He said that I could come out when I learned to be a man. He told me only little girls cry. I screamed and kicked at the door for hours. It didn't work.
~12 years old.
Today when I was playing with my friends in the yard, my dad came out and yelled at me. He said that I had to come in, because the lawn was muddy and he didn't want me to mess up his perfect white carpet. I ignored him and continued to play with my friends. I heard him march up the path to the end of the lawn and grab my shoulders. He dragged me back into the house, as my friends stared scared into my eyes. They didn't say anything, they just let me be dragged off by the devil. My dad said a few things to me that night that I'll never forget. And he hit me. He hit me hard. I cried and he got even more mad. Again, like before, he told me only little girls cry.
~15 years old.
Today they sent me back to my mom. She looked alot different than she did twelve years ago. All the happiness was drained from her eyes and there were dark circles under them. She was wearing a permanent frown when she saw me walk off the plane with my suit case. She gave me a quick, meaningless hug and threw my suitcase in the back of her car. We sped down the streets to the place I once called home. Though it wasn't a happy reunion. Mom sent me to my room to unpack. It was still colored with that awful yellow that my mom had slathered across the walls when I was born. My bed was as small as I remembered. The whole room was covered in dusty memories. I lay down on the floor, and breathed in the scent of my home.
~18 years old.
I stepped into the hall of the court house. I looked immaculate in my black suit. The bruises on my face begged to differ, though. My mom sat in at the table with her lawyer, and I sat at the other with mine. She glared daggers at me as I sat down. She told me she loved me when I was little and that she would never hurt me. She lied. She was the reason we were here, and the reason I my life was falling apart. A few years ago, I had come home to my mom drinking the life out of her, I tried to stop her, but she just hit me again and again, telling me that I should have never been born. I had been put into foster care after that, but she kept coming back to me and finding me and taking me back and hurting me again and again. Today I was here because she found out I was involved in bad things. I told her that she should understand.
I mean, she was high, drunk, or just messed up whenever I came home from school. There wasn't one day when my mother was sober. She had asked me to take care of her when I came back and this is how she treats me. Well, I guess she was wrong about what she said, I wasn't better off with or without her.
Mommy, you were wrong.
Mommy told me that I was going to be okay as she packed all my toys, though there were only a few strewn on the floor. She packed all my best clothes and threw out my old and tattered ones, thinking I wouldn't need them anymore. I pleaded and pleaded to her that she let me stay with her. She said she would miss me, but we couldn't help but cry. She told me to be a strong little boy and zipped up the suitcase. She left me alone in my room, to think to myself how short my life had been with her. I went into my small closet and grabbed the worn out baby blanket that still had little blue teddy bears all over it. The moment I left my house, I gave it a wave goodbye and wondered what my daddy was like. Mommy said that he was really nice and would spoil me and give me what I wanted. She said my life would be better off without her. I prayed she was right.
~8 years old.
Daddy came home today, all stumbly and his words were slurred. I was sitting on the couch playing with my kitty, Boots, when he came over and told me I was not good enough to be his son. I told him that I was good enough. He didn't believe me. My kitty hissed and ran away just as daddy slapped me. My red hot face stung as the tears leaked from my eyes. He put me over his shoulders, almost dropping me, not very gently and threw me into the closet, locking the door. He said that I could come out when I learned to be a man. He told me only little girls cry. I screamed and kicked at the door for hours. It didn't work.
~12 years old.
Today when I was playing with my friends in the yard, my dad came out and yelled at me. He said that I had to come in, because the lawn was muddy and he didn't want me to mess up his perfect white carpet. I ignored him and continued to play with my friends. I heard him march up the path to the end of the lawn and grab my shoulders. He dragged me back into the house, as my friends stared scared into my eyes. They didn't say anything, they just let me be dragged off by the devil. My dad said a few things to me that night that I'll never forget. And he hit me. He hit me hard. I cried and he got even more mad. Again, like before, he told me only little girls cry.
~15 years old.
Today they sent me back to my mom. She looked alot different than she did twelve years ago. All the happiness was drained from her eyes and there were dark circles under them. She was wearing a permanent frown when she saw me walk off the plane with my suit case. She gave me a quick, meaningless hug and threw my suitcase in the back of her car. We sped down the streets to the place I once called home. Though it wasn't a happy reunion. Mom sent me to my room to unpack. It was still colored with that awful yellow that my mom had slathered across the walls when I was born. My bed was as small as I remembered. The whole room was covered in dusty memories. I lay down on the floor, and breathed in the scent of my home.
~18 years old.
I stepped into the hall of the court house. I looked immaculate in my black suit. The bruises on my face begged to differ, though. My mom sat in at the table with her lawyer, and I sat at the other with mine. She glared daggers at me as I sat down. She told me she loved me when I was little and that she would never hurt me. She lied. She was the reason we were here, and the reason I my life was falling apart. A few years ago, I had come home to my mom drinking the life out of her, I tried to stop her, but she just hit me again and again, telling me that I should have never been born. I had been put into foster care after that, but she kept coming back to me and finding me and taking me back and hurting me again and again. Today I was here because she found out I was involved in bad things. I told her that she should understand.
I mean, she was high, drunk, or just messed up whenever I came home from school. There wasn't one day when my mother was sober. She had asked me to take care of her when I came back and this is how she treats me. Well, I guess she was wrong about what she said, I wasn't better off with or without her.
Mommy, you were wrong.
posted by Darkie at
1:16 PM
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